Is Monogamy Natural?

Are humans meant to be with only one person?  Is monogamy something humans naturally prefer? Or is this a new concept?  I have read a lot about this topic and, to be honest, I’m not sure what the answer is and how I personally feel about it.  Perhaps it depends on the couple and has to be determined on a case by case basis.  What is natural and normal anyway?  Besides, some people are naturally inclined towards different behaviors, it makes up who they are.  Are we to say that they are wrong and we’re right? No, I don’t think so.  Normal? Well, that’s a relative term too … who’s to say what is normal and what’s not?  It’s more about what acceptable in society or not.

Does Monogamy Go Against Our Nature?

Yes, I do believe monogamy goes against our nature and how we evolved as human beings.  Sharing partners throughout history, and still today in some societies, meant survival of the species.  But, these are the uncivilized you say, right? Well, are they so uncivilized? Perhaps they have the right idea.  Spreading the wealth, so to speak, makes a species stronger.  No one, whether in a monogamous union or not, can say that they haven’t looked at someone other than their partner and desired them.  Even if they didn’t act upon it, their heart did skip a beat.  The most devout partners still have that urge.  It’s natural.  Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong.  Does that make monogamy unnatural then?

The monogamy we know of today was a result of religious as well as cultural beliefs and requirements.  Historically as well as recently, polygamy is a tenet of certain faiths allowing multiple wives.  Even if the man was married to one woman, he had several mistresses.  Perhaps his wife had lovers on the side as well.  There was (and still is) of course infidelity on both sides regardless of race, gender and religion. This is still happening today.  As we have evolved as a species, our natural urges have remained the same.  People still marry to be accepted in their society and to have an established family, but many also have others on the side to fill whatever need their partner isn’t fulfilling.  So really, since historically people didn’t (and still don’t) practice monogamy faithfully, or were “social monogamists” doing it for show but living a secret life behind closed doors, does being with only one person go against our nature?

Monogamy: Can It Work?

IS MONOGAMY NATURAL | Single Dating DivaFrom conversations I’ve had with others and research I’ve done personally lead me to argue that monogamy goes against our nature as human beings, however, monogamy is a choice.  Some, more than others, are able to live a happy life with one partner, others have a more difficult time with it.  Many opt for open relationships where they live a socially monogamous life with one partner, but, have outside liaisons with other people with their partner’s full knowledge and blessing.  That works for some.  I actually had some discussions with couples in open relationships and they are quite content because they are open and honest about everything.  They have their life together with children and want to grow old together and even have a fulfilling sex life with each other. However, they like their variety and have sex with others as well.  Same goes for “swinging” couples.  It works for some, but not for others. Not everyone could handle the idea of their partner having other partners, even if there is no particular emotional attachment with the act.

Monogamy can work, but it’s not easy.  In order for it to work, you have to find the right relationship fit for yourself.  Someone who is mentally, socially, physically and sexually compatible with you.  You need fireworks … a spark.  That’s non-negotiable.  You also have to MAKE it work.  This means actually making an effort and keeping the flame burning.  No relationship works on its own.  I’m of the belief that if someone is completely satisfied in every way at home then they won’t stray too far and they will always come back.  The problem is that once some people are in a monogamous relationship they let themselves go in every way and think that their relationship is safe.  No one loves you “no matter what” … that is a fairy tale notion that people need to get out of their head.  If you want a monogamous relationship then you’ve got to keep your partner proud and happy to be with you, and, keep them satisfied in every way.  The passion and desire have to be kept alive.  Plain.  Simple.

Sooo …

What’s my conclusion? Well, although I don’t think as humans we are naturally monogamous, I feel we can be if we are with the right person who meets all our needs.  People have natural urges, that’s a common fact.  I think given the right circumstances and situation every single person is capable of infidelity.  I have even been tempted, but didn’t cross that line.  Personally, I am pro-monogamy and fidelity, but I do understand the need some people have for variety.  I mean who doesn’t like variety? Nothing wrong with the guy I’m with being attracted to others, or even flirting, as long as I’m secure in our relationship and he comes home to me at night I’m cool with it.  Besides, I’m enough woman for any man in every way, so, why would he want anyone else anyway?? 😉

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva

9 thoughts on “Is Monogamy Natural?

  1. I think the comment “Many people have open relationships” is fiction rather than fact there, very few couples have open relationships….

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    • Thank you for your comment. Actually it’s much more common than you think. It’s just that most don’t advertise it. The numbers are certainly rising, particularly in suburban family neighborhoods.

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  2. Very interesting and intelligent post Diva, thank you! Worries me to think cheating (to me) would be on the rise or considered natural behaviour though. If you go right back to our first human ancestors, surely survival meant Dad was providing? Sure, he needed to have many kids to insure his bloodline but being with more than one partner would have spread his provision too thinly surely? I think in history and here in some African cultures too, men primarily enjoy the perks of pologamy and here it’s changing as women see the old traditions as men just having their cake and eating it 🙂 I feel more equality and openess in relationships stops someone looking elsewhere for something they should just pluck up courage to ask their partner for!

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  3. Hey Diva,

    great Article on this. Let me share my point of view about this topic.

    For me personally i also belief that monogamy is something that our society has created time after time. Taking a look back into history there was nothing called “partners”, It was simply called “surviving”. Monogamy is made of respect and beeing true to yourself / to your partner. If both agree on that, it’s great.

    That’s beeing said from someone that’s together with a girl for 3 1/2 Years. Nevermind.

    Many people judge women (sometimes also men) for living their sexuality on the fullest. In todays society having a natural “sex-drive” seem’s to be something that most people are shy to talk about. That’s why most opened-relationships are propaply hidden.

    But, we still own our “natural, sexual mating drive” unconcious inside.

    We’re living in a world where women have grown their own feets to walk, hands to grab their bags etc.Dating today can be really fun for the reason that women are not “bound” to someone that brings home the meat every day. They are able to make their own decisions, wheter it is living monogamy or beeing a “dating-diva” :).

    Everyone still own’s a little bit of old patterns in our unconcious. Wheter it is women like men that are confident and have a “healthy dominance”, or simply our mating-drive.

    Andrew

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