Hot and Cold Dating: How to Know Where They Stand


Did you ever wish you had some sort of compass to guide you through dating someone new? If it feels like you’re always trying to figure out if someone is interested or not – you’re not alone.

They’re hot one minute – they ALWAYS contact you and want to see you and speak with you and spend time with you – then they’re cold – they take forever to respond and seeing them is near impossible – then they’re hot again and the cycle continues OR they ghost you and just fade into obscurity never to be heard from again – until of course they pop out like a zombie out of nowhere.

Makes you wish you had some sort of traffic signal! Well, you do … read on to learn how to know where they stand!

Hot & Cold Dating: How to Know Where They Stand

So what can you do when you’re confused about where you stand with someone? Well, you need to look at the clues. Here are some surefire signals to stop the guesswork:

  • Listen to your gut. Trust your instincts, they are almost always spot on. If something feels off, it probably is.
  • Look for patterns. As the saying goes, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. If someone is flighty and consistently inconsistent then don’t invest your time or emotions on them. They aren’t completely committed to getting to know you.
  • Pay attention to red flags. A great quote by Maya Angelou goes “when someone shows you who they are believe them” and this is absolutely true. We tend to overlook things that we question about someone’s behavior but if they make you stop and say “wait what” on several occasions then take that seriously because regardless of how hard we want them to change people don’t change.
  • No one is THAT busy. Someone who is truly interested in you is never too busy to contact you or see you. They will MAKE time. Texting you a small message to show you that they’re thinking of you or respond to your messages takes only a few seconds. If they can’t take a few seconds for you then cut them loose. While sometimes someone truly is busy and that’s ok, look at patterns in their behavior.
  • It shouldn’t be complicated. “It’s complicated” is NOT a relationship status. If things aren’t going smoothly, especially in the beginning, then it’s time to reconsider why you’re with this person and if it’s really worth it.
  • It shouldn’t give you anxiety. If you’re unsure where you stand or this liaison is making you stressed and anxious then you shouldn’t be with them. While relationships are not perfect all the time, they should flow easily on the most part. It’s as simple as being with someone that makes you happy!
  • They know the right things to say to get you back each time. If you let them come and go from your life as they please then they probably know just what to say or do to make you melt and return to them. But then they leave or hurt you again and the cycle continues so it’s up to you to stop this behavior in its tracks.

When you’re dating someone it should just work, complications should be trivial and minimal. Things should just fall into place. Once things start feeling off or stressing you out, then you should ask yourself why you’re continuing. If someone is hot and cold with you then set them free. Someone who is dedicated to getting to know you won’t make you wonder about their intentions.

It’s simple really, someone either wants to get to know you and be with you or they don’t. There’s no grey area. It doesn’t mean they need to blow up your phone or see you every minute of every day if they’re interested but they do need to make you feel like you’re wanted and not question their intentions.

So are they hot and cold? You CAN know where someone you’re dating stands. Stop wasting your time trying to analyze what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. Essentially, if they aren’t making a real effort then it’s not worth your time. Move on. They should be consistently contacting you and wanting to get to know you in a real way. Things should progress positively forward. If it feels “off” then it probably is.

Remember that how people treat you is ALL up to YOU. You can teach people to respect you or not by what you tolerate. If you tolerate hot and cold, they will stay hot and cold but if you set your boundaries and show that you’re confident enough to set them free then you will be the winner in the end. Dating smart will ensure you end up with your own no nonsense happily ever after.

Readers: Do you find it difficult and confusing to navigate the dating world? Share your thoughts and comments in the space below!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

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  1. I wish I had advice like this when I was younger. I can’t believe how many excuses I made for guys, like “he’s so busy”. Meanwhile, it prevented me from concentrating on guys who would have been into me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have always hated dating. In my 20s, 30s, and even 40s, when I met someone and we vibed, we were in a relationship. Dating in my 50s is completely horrid and well I’ve chosen not to do it. At least for now. Or at least until that one special guy grabs my attention

    Liked by 1 person

    • Shannon, I am 48 and completely agree. Now it seems all that is left dating wise or guys either with baggage (kids, and ex wife) or have mental/physical issues (and often they have kids and an ex wife too). I compare dating now with shopping at a low class thrift store that has barely passable (and often they should be in the garbage) goods. I want a guy like me without kids (no thanks on being a stepmother, even to grown kids), and a functioning adult. I seem to attract mama boys who have never been married and don’t have kids but they tend to be alcoholics and that’s no fun either. I recently tried online dating again on a free site, got a bunch of duds so I once again deleted my profile. My standards aren’t even that high, so at this point I’ve pretty much given up.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Hi Dawn! I’m like you; I have always preferred a man with no children. In fact, prior to my last relationship, I had never dated a man with children. But he and I had been friends for 11 years. He was always pursuing me and then he got me. Long story short, we broke up because he ended up rekindling with the child’s mother and now they are married. So I’m back to no man with children. But I agree, my standards aren’t high. But what I am looking for, I haven’t seem to met that man in a long time. I have been single 5 years and counting. I try to remain hopeful. Some days, its hard.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Shannon, your story is an example of why it’s difficult to date people with children. There are many reasons to avoid people with kids, such as now often the new spouse can get stuck paying his (or her if reversed) child support or babysitting. I am childfree, I was on the fence about having kids but realized I never wanted them so if I don’t have kids, I don’t want a man with kids either. Basically my standards are men with no kids (including grown ones). I have a few preferences but this is my major dealbreaker and everything else is preferences. I don’t get it, I know people with long deal breakers (much younger, attractive, in shape, etc) and they don’t seem to struggle as much. I’m not giving up but I’m also a realist and know I may never met the one.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. So true. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
    I’ve experienced this hot and cold so many times. I’m busy too, but find creative ways to make it work.
    Finally learned the lesson. Have met someone that works insane shifts, lives far away and gets little time off, but he goes out if his way to see me and communicates regularly. This is how it should be.
    Don’t let anyone treat you like you’re an option or second choice!

    Liked by 1 person

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