Your emotional investment when dating someone new is something to really consider seriously. Why? Well, it could mean the difference between seeing things as they are and seeing them for how you want them to be. It could mean the difference between a broken heart or not.
Often times we get way too invested in something, or someone, that we don’t see clearly and we get hurt. I would venture to say this happens to most people most of the time. Until, well, you learn your lesson the hard way. I’m here to help you avoid this common pitfall of dating and perhaps even avoid a broken heart and disappointment before it even happens.
Emotional Investment When Dating Someone New
There are lots of things to consider when you are dating someone new, especially if you really like them. You run the risk of getting ahead of yourself. We’ve all been there. They are just awesome and you have some real chemistry, which we all know already isn’t an indicator of relationship success.
How about if you really like them? I mean really really like them and they seemingly really like you too, is emotional investment OK then? Well … you have to tread lightly. We all know what happens when a fire burns too hot too fast. Poof! It’s gone just as fast. That’s why pacing yourself is really the solution when dating someone new … enjoy the process, why rush?
When you pace yourself you avoid the pitfalls associated with getting too attached early on. What else does it accomplish? When you pace yourself you notice red flags more easily. When you are gaga eyed and wearing rose colored glasses you miss some really important things. There’s nothing wrong with liking someone a lot and wanting to be with them, don’t get me wrong, but you want to be smart about it.
I learned this the hard way until I learned the value of taking it slow. It allowed me to weed out those who didn’t fit into what I really wanted or was looking for. This also allowed me to let go much easier and not be bothered so much if someone didn’t call back or ended things with me. It didn’t mean I was emotionally unavailable, but it meant I was just being selective with my emotions.
Waiting for sex also follows this same logic as pacing your emotional investment when dating someone new. If you just want to have fun go ahead and have fun, but remember your emotions. Safe sex is safe physically, mentally AND emotionally. If you can handle the potential emotional rejection that can possibly come from having casual sex and you’re OK if you never hear from them again, then go for it.
But, let’s face it, most people can’t handle it. You know yourself better than anyone and you’re smart enough to choose for yourself. So, if you know you can’t handle it then wait until you’re both equally emotionally invested in each other. I’m not the first, nor the last, to say this. But you need to protect your emotions. Don’t trust anyone else to do that for you because it’s not their responsibility, it’s YOUR responsibility. Unemotional sex isn’t for everyone and that’s completely OK. Don’t ever let yourself feel pressured to do anything that doesn’t feel right.
Emotional Investment When Dating Should Be Balanced
I was reading recently something that I found quite interesting. The author was talking about giving and receiving as a form of emotional investment and how both giving and receiving should be accompanied by gratitude and acknowledgement even when it’s not something material, but what she said next really is applicable in dating.
She said, “remember balance – again this is a key factor. The investment must be mutual and equal for it to stay positive. If there is any hint of manipulation or excess in the giving or the receiving, the situation is out of balance. If you only ever receive and never give, there’s a problem. All good things exist in moderation – anything excess (too much, or not enough) will have the same consequence – a negative one.” So emotional investment when dating should be balanced. Anything that isn’t balanced will result in major disappointment for whichever one has invested more.
That is why it’s important to enjoy the process and not worry too much about the outcomes of dating. Doing so will ensure you will ALWAYS have a positive outcome from any dating arrangement you enter into because you are fully aware of what you’re doing and you’re not being led by your emotions. As a result you will make smarter dating choices which will only serve to lead you to your happily ever after which includes someone JUST as emotionally invested in you as you are of them. Imagine that! I wish that for each and every one of you because it’s the best feeling in the world!! XO
Readers: What are you thoughts about emotional investment when dating someone new? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva
Great post, thank you! So important to keep your feet on the ground and be sensible at first!
Wise words Diva! Having found myself in the ‘unbalanced’ scenario recently, I have indeed found myself feeling slightly hurt by the force of the rejection, when a guy I was dating called things off suddenly. All the red flags were there, such as him being less than attentive etc. If id taken things slower I would have seen them, rather than sweeping them under the carpet (or covers!).
Wow, this really resonated with me! I’m beginning to realize that in my past relationships, I’ve become way too emotionally invested. I often find myself overlooking blatant relationship ‘red flags’, just because I’ve got solid chemistry with someone. Guess it’s time for me to start being a little more careful and grounded when approaching a potential relationship. Thanks Ms. Diva, keep the articles coming!
I agree, it’s really hard to get the balance, as the emotions and mind are buzzing at the possibilities from the very first contact with a new person. Every text, phone call, word or aspect of the other person’s body language is examined, chewed over and reinterpreted, all the while the mind is trying to remain rational. It is an exciting time though isn’t it?
Love this especially the suggestion to enjoy the process of dating and not get caught up in the outcome of the relationship. Great post!
Great post. The hard thing is that it’s so difficult for people to do anything mutually these days. It seems as if someone always wants leverage over the other. That is what makes relationships hard.
Great advice! I’ve found myself in unbalanced dating situations before. I’ve had guys tell me after 6 dates that the loved me, I’ve had guys 3 months in want to marry me, and I’ve also fallen HARD for guys who were like a drug to me. It happens, we’ve all been there, but being aware of it and learning from it is what matters.
Being grounded and realistic when you’re excited about someone new is soooo freakin’ hard! Like Dawn Maslar shared with us…we’re actually fighting biology when attempting to stay rationale…cRaZy! Fab advice, Diva!
No we’re not. That doesn’t even make sense. You are nature, you are biology..And something can’t fight itself.
Each and every word is SO ON POINT for me based upon where I am right now. Some people will absolutely run a girl dry. Others have many good attributes, but still got those red flags. I believe we all have something. Nonetheless, it’s up to us to know and respect our own dealbreakers regardless of what other people do wrong or strangely.
But what if I don’t enjoy the process? Surely I can’t just click my fingers and make it so?
You don’t enjoy the process (I was the same way) because you’re too hell bent on a certain idea. You’re hell bent on finding a relationship, but not actually allowing the process to get you one. That means, you’re more interested in a relationship than a person, and that’s a sure failure… Let me smack some sense in you like I did to myself. STOP OBSESSING OVER A RELATIONSHIP. DROP IT. Get to know people on a human basis and stop expecting things out of them.
All of you make it sound so easy. I can’t seem to keep my emotions in check when I meet a guy that I really, really like. I don’t understand how you can just keep your emotions at bay. If the chemistry is there, it’s very very hard for me to pace myself. Help!
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