One thing I’ve learned over the years is that most people don’t know what they want. On the most part I’m referring to men, but some women also are guilty of this. The older they get, the more difficult it is for them to find a partner. Why? Well, it’s because their logical brain knows what they are looking for and what qualities make a good partner but their illogical brain thinks they want to feel the incredible intensity that comes with meeting someone new … you know what I’m talking about … the WOW, the fireworks, the whole “can’t stop thinking about them” … but, the older you get, the less that’s a reality.
The thing is, those things rarely happen and you need to build on a solid foundation and go from there. Sparks? Yes! Chemistry? Yes! Fireworks? Meh! For many people freedom and being on their own makes a lot more sense than “settling” for a relationship … you know, they have to keep their options open because they have this false sense of “many fish in the sea”. Many of these people will give up something really good because of this misguided notion of freedom. I’m here to tell you that it’s not your job to make them change their mind. It’s their process and not yours. Freedom is appealing, but why? Well…
What Is It About Freedom That’s So Appealing?
I think some people really truly can’t be in relationships and they shouldn’t be … and that’s completely OK. But, I do believe that as human beings we all need companionship. We crave it. So why can some people take that risk and be in a relationship while others can’t? Well, it’s about their experiences and environments. There was a time when all people aspired to committed relationships. Their goal was to get married and have kids. What changed? Well, society did. Social media made the good, bad and the ugly out in the open. The relationships they’ve seen and experienced perhaps were negative experiences that they judge everyone else in the same way. They then mistakenly think that a relationship will take their freedom away when in reality a good healthy relationship will enhance their freedom. Imagine that!
Freedom = Attention = Ego
People have this false sense of choice, they go on Tinder or any online dating site and get 50 matches or likes and they think that it makes them desirable. But, how many of those actually end up in anything real with someone actually compatible with you? Maybe one or two. Maybe. On any given day of me opening up an online dating account I get dozens of interested parties within an hour of opening my account. What does that mean? Absolutely NOTHING. I know it’s not real. It’s superficial. But people like that. They miss that if they are attached to someone. That’s one thing that’s appealing about freedom – attention. It’s all about their ego. They want to be desired, don’t we all? Well, a good partner can make you feel desired.
Freedom = Variety = Sexual Prowess
People think that being with one person will be boring over time. I agree, that’s true because people take their partners for granted and get too comfy in their relationships. However, if you’re in the RIGHT relationship with the RIGHT person then you will never get bored. It’s a 50/50 responsibility to keep the spark alive in the relationship, especially sexually. Keep things interesting by trying new kinky things, by enticing your partner, surprising them with something hot and doing things they like. It’s not very hard, but it takes a willingness to make it work. Variety can take the form of always introducing something novel – whatever that means for you and your partner. Failed relationships and ones that are boring are the fault of partners who don’t try.
Freedom = Answering to Nobody
There is this notion that being in a relationship means losing your life as you know it – that the person you’re with will take over your life. That doesn’t have to be the case, again, not the case at all with the RIGHT person. The right person and the right relationship will encourage you to have your own life and pastimes and friends. They will trust you enough to not question everything you do, nor will they require your permission to do things you want to do. Of course you still need to respect each other enough to not do anything that would be betraying that trust, but also be open and honest enough to keep that trust alive. If your relationship has no trust and you can’t communicate with your partner then you have no relationship.
People Want To Be Free … Until They Don’t
Well, it’s true. You can’t make someone commit to you unless they want to. You could be the best thing since sliced bread and they know it, but, if they don’t decide that they want to be with you in a real way then don’t waste your time. If they actually do commit, then trust them enough to give them freedom. A couple shouldn’t spend all their time together, there has to be time to miss each other. Spending time with others gives an outlet which makes them a better partner. You should also give them their personal space to still be themselves.
The reason that people, especially men, fear for their freedom and avoid commitment is because women take over their lives, but that’s a mistake. You should have trust enough that gives them room to breath. People like variety and change so keeping it interesting and trying new things, especially in the bedroom, makes freedom a non-issue. It’s up to both in a couple to make it work and to communicate their needs. Don’t be claustrophobic and put your best foot forward while being your true authentic self and if the other person wants to take the chance and go for it then great, if not, well, move on to someone who does. No need to play games to make them want you. No need to suffer and be anxious about it. Remember it’s their process and not yours. Plain. Simple.
Love is like quicksilver in the hand.
Leave the fingers open and it stays.
Clutch it and it darts away.
Agree? Disagree? Thoughts? What is it about freedom that’s so appealing? I would love to hear your input in the comments!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
Copyright Single Dating Diva