Ask Single Dating Diva: The Great First Date That Goes Nowhere

Ever go on a spectacular first date that had you feeling oh so hopeful only to never hear from them again? Yup, we’ve ALL been there. Talk about disheartening! The whole experience leaves you confused and grasping at every single ounce of analysis just to rationalize why it happened. It leaves you wondering if it’s you that’s the problem or is it them. Well, whatever the reason was, what do you do to ensure that it doesn’t happen to you, and if it does, how you can deal with it.

First-DateDear Single Dating Diva,

I’m so confused. I went on a great date with someone recently. We went for coffee and then went for a walk. It went so smoothly and we instantly clicked. We talked for hours. Shared, laughed and even touched each other’s hands while speaking. He was attentive when I spoke. Asked questions and seemed genuinely interested. I wasn’t imagining it. At the end of the night we hugged and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. We both said we would like to see each other again and we went our separate ways. I sent him a text message the next day thanking him for a nice evening. Then, never heard back from him again. I can’t think of why he didn’t respond. I don’t want to be pushy and send him another message, but I don’t understand. We had a great time together. Why didn’t he call me back?

Sincerely,

Puzzled

The Great First Date That Goes Nowhere

Dear Puzzled,

Thank you for your question. That is a dilemma. I completely understand your frustration. Just when you think everything is going great, it isn’t. You’re not alone, it’s happened to everyone. The question is why does it happen and is there anything we can do to avoid it. It’s all about approaching dates in a realistic way. Focusing on the process and not the outcomes. Essentially, that’s what’s necessary. There’s nothing you can do to predict it or avoid it. It is what it is and, unfortunately, you can’t control other people’s feelings or actions, only your own. You have to be smart and strong. From what you told me you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s good to send a thank you text the next day. But, remember, sometimes we may be feeling it and the other person doesn’t, even though you think they do. Remember, their actions will speak louder than words.

Why People Don’t Call You Back

A while back I wrote a post answering why men don’t contact you. In it I mentioned that men don’t call because they really never intended to in the first place. They had their reasons to charm you, but once they accomplished whatever it was that they wanted they had no use for you anymore. Is that the truth? Well, ya. Women do it too. But it’s not all doom and gloom. Sometimes you don’t get the call back because they could be scared or they could have changed their mind or they even Ask-Single-Dating-Divamaybe met someone else.  Whatever the reasons are, they made a conscious choice not to see you again. Why didn’t they just tell you they weren’t interested anymore? Well, it’s because, frankly, they didn’t have the balls to do it. Plain. Simple. Chances are that there was nothing you could have done differently, don’t blame yourself.

It’s really difficult, I know, I really really do, when you think you had a connection with someone and it didn’t go anywhere. It’s hard enough to find someone who you click with. Finding them and it resulting in nothing, that just sucks. What can you do though, nothing. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep moving. Don’t over analyze. Don’t over think it. Don’t beat yourself up. It is what it is. Move on.

Hope this helps!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Copyright Single Dating Diva

19 thoughts on “Ask Single Dating Diva: The Great First Date That Goes Nowhere

  1. I had this situation just this weekend, so it’s nice to know that I’m not alone, but it still really sucks. But worse than a guy just never contacting you again after a first date, I’ve had twice in the past two months guys who plan the next date with me, but then just mysteriously disappear!

    Now, that’s not just weird dating behaviour, it’s plain rude to plan something with anyone (friend, family, colleague, date) and not follow through.

    How hard is it really to just send a txt msg to get out of it? It doesn’t bode well for the ongoing human population if we have all these men with no balls wandering around that don’t know how to be real men (or decent people)!

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  2. Very interesting…….. My guess is the guy’s ex girlfriend came back into town, and they reconnected. Or maybe he and his girlfriend were having problems in their relationship, and him going out with another women, made her rethink and recommit to their relationship, Oh heck, of what I have read, it sounds like this was a first meeting, NOT a date, so go figure. Why is she wasting her time on this guy, who she really does not know. Anyway, now that we are talking about men with no “balls”, what do you call a women that gives all the same clues about liking you and wanting to meet again, but go poof in a similar manner, like the guy did to Puzzled?

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  3. Happens all the time, its because person A (the girl in this case) thought person B (the guy) enjoyed himself as much as she enjoyed herself – but this was not the case. For him the date was “alright” and not good enough to warrant another. For her it was bliss….

    You need bliss on both sides to make a connection

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  4. As discouraging as it is, it’s such a reality. Often, a guy will enjoy your company – even for hours – but he goes home, sleeps on it, realizes you were fantastic but not for him. Or decides he doesn’t want a relationship after all. Or he was just lonely and enjoyed company for a few hours.

    I dwell on those too, but I realize that there’s nothing else I could have done differently – assuming I didn’t make a major first date mistake like bring up marriage or sleep with him (my opinion of bad first date behavior).

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  5. Coming from a Man I had a date here recently from an online dating service. Well I use this bit of the extra time I have now that I am not in a relationship to take care of myself not only for fun but to improve my attractiveness. However this date was a disaster even though she talked I and listened and shared. First off she was very late over an hour and I did not want to be rude and just no show, cause she kept on texting me, saying she was almost there. Her profile picture after meeting was her first explanation, it was a decade old, and she stated to her surprise that I actually look like my profile picture. I am no Adonis but I have been told that I look like Russell Crowe, and I don’t except to date a model but at least take care of yourself, she however does not share this enthusiasm.

    But to comment on “they didn’t have the balls to do it.” that is just sexist I have gone on dates with women who have had a great night and told me that this was one of their best dates ever, and then they never tried to reconnect after the first date, even if I sent them a message or two.

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    • Ha ha…. I have kept my friends – both men and women – amused for years, on my dating stories of the many similar women like you have met. On meeting women, I give them at least 15 minutes to meet, and if I know they are really on their way – 30 minutes. So….you would have not been rude if you left after a reasonable amount of time, it was the lady that was very rude not respecting your time! YES… YES I have met many women that do not look anything like there profile photos – what’s up with that? One lady I met had an entirely different hair colored and style. If she had not said something to me, I would have never talked with her. That should have been a clue to what was coming, since she spent over an hour talking about her neurosis, and her ex boyfriend… who seemed about as nutty as her. Talk about balls, I should have grown a bigger pair and got up and walked away 🙂

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  6. There’s a movie called ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ that has an instance like this. And the movie is right. He’s just not that into you. If he’s going to lead you on like this and doesn’t have the courtesy to at least text you back. You’re better off. Shrug it off and move on.

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  7. There’s so many reasons why someone may not get in touch, even after an awesome date. Like you said, maybe they don’t have the balls to step up and say they just aren’t feeling it or maybe something came up that they are dealing with and they don’t want to include you in their personal drama so early on. The best bet: don’t worry and move on. If they’re truly interested, they’ll get in touch

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  8. My big mystery tends to be the guy disappearing after a second date. It’s totally wimpy and lame to just disappear, but I try to use that to tell myself that a guy who’s too cowardly to politely bow out isn’t strong enough for me anyway.

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    • LOL…. I don’t hate peaches – I just want to bite into a juicy Apple 🙂 Of course I have briefly met a few ladies that did not like peaches, and did not want to stick around long enough to find out I had other delicious qualities.

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    • WOW… That Dita is a Quote machine – I like this one “I’ve always loved the idea of not being what people expect me to be” Right on Dita ♥

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  9. I love this entry and your blog! Your advice is spot-on, entertaining and accessible for all. Keep going! =)

    Here’s my two-cents on the subject:
    Providing someone with closure doesn’t cost you much, but it means the world to the person needing it. So, instead of avoiding what might be an unpleasant situation, bite the bullet and write, “I had a great time with you, but the chemistry wasn’t there for me. I got more a friend vibe from our time together. I’m sorry it didn’t work out!” If you aren’t ready to do that, then maybe you should take a break from the dating scene. People are being brave and allowing themselves to be vulnerable in these situations, so you have to be kind and respectful of their feelings.

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    • You have a good point Peeksi, but I have been brave many times, and have told women that “the chemistry wasn’t right” with me. All I got from them was “what’s wrong with me?” “why don’t you like me?” …. So, at times you have to decide to go POOF without any explanation. Some times that is the best thing to do, since many people just do not want to accept your explanation about there just was no attraction on your part.

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      • I understand your discomfort, Daniel, I do. It’s a common occurrence having to tell or hear how there was a lack of connection. Unfortunately, that is the fundamental problem with the structure of current online dating profiles. A list of stats and hobbies doesn’t tell you much about a person’s daily life. Let’s be honest here: how many people do you know that actually enjoy yachting or sailing or photography as a true hobby that they practice on a regular basis? Point is you cannot tell who a person is until you are on a date or two. And, in addition to the risk you run of not feeling that magnetic pull, you must also take on the responsibility of having to provide closure or accept rejection should it occur. We need to treat others better than we would if we test drove a car. You can’t just get out and walk away if you aren’t buying the car. You have to deal with that salesperson. People deserve more than we would give if we were examining a material item to purchase. No more tossing aside and walking away. Give your explanation. Close the door. Then, you’ve done your part.
        Best Wishes!

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        • Good points Peeksi. I have in the recent past, after meeting someone for the first time, would not mention anything about seeing them again as we parted ways, after the meetup/date. It can be overwhelming to meet someone for the first time and take in all that they said, and not said, So, a few times I would not saying anything other than nice meeting you, as we walked to our cars. Again, I would be confronted with a “SO…. do you want to meet again” Maybe I should just add the comment – “lets brew on our meetup for a few days, and then decide” I have had some interesting meetings with ladies in the past, only to go home and think about what they said, and decide… No way do I want to see her again.

          OH…. Nice website/blog you have – Interesting article about flirting – a skill that I seem not to possess 🙂

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          • Thank you for the compliment, Daniel! It’s great you enjoyed the article and your comments are appreciated =)!

            You are right on with your commentary. Dating is fraught with intense moments to which we often aren’t prepared to respond. In regards to what you should say in response to whether you will be meeting again, that’s a tough one. One thing is certain: being upfront immediately after a date and saying face-to-face that you do not want to meet again is a situation best avoided. Without knowing who someone truly is, there is no way to be certain how that person will react. Ending the date politely, with no promise made to meet again and no hint of rejection, is the safest and nicest way to deal with the awkward circumstance. Revealing you are not a good mix and giving that kind of closure to your date should be done either through messaging or a phone conversation.

            Feel free to comment on The 5 Secrets to Flirty Peeking vs. Creepy Staring. Dialogue is what makes blogging worthwhile! Have a great day!

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  10. I’m all for manners and following rules of civility, but I think there could be a lot less angst and hurt feelings if people stopped analyzing a situation for which they will never truly be able to have closure. Easier said than done, I know, and of course it is a blow to the ego, but easy come, easy go as they say. Even if it was an amazing first date, all you’re out is a few hours – on to the next one. And although it’s nice to thank a guy for a fun time, you could always put yourself out there more and ask HIM out for the second date. There’s a chance he’s doing his own ruminating on his end, wondering if you really like him or if you’re just being polite. Ask him out for date number two and if he says no, or doesn’t respond, move on.

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