Sex and Dating – Timing versus Intention



Dating someone new fills you with so many different emotions – excitement, fear, apprehension, giddiness and even relief. Add sexual tension to the mix and you’ve got yourself some pretty crazy chemical reactions. All these are completely normal things to experience. What differs if how you react to them. Many have made some unfortunate rookie mistakes when it comes to sex and dating which have left them full of regret and, frankly, alone. I am certainly guilty of making many mistakes!

Sex and dating is one of the most common questions I get, and with all the confusing and conflicting advice being dished out by countless people, it’s hard to know what’s right or wrong. Well, I’m here to tell you there is NO right or wrong but there are best practices to follow which are unique to each individual. Sex and dating is not about timing, it’s about intention. I’ll explain.

Sex and Dating – Timing vs Intention

safe-sexIn sex and dating, timing is what most people usually focus on. Three date rule anyone? We’ve heard everything from not having sex on the first date to Steve Harvey’s 90-day sex rule to a free for all sexy lifestyle – but who’s right? Well, nobody and everybody to be honest. Why? Because sex isn’t about timing, sex is about intention.

What that means is that WHY you’re having sex with them and WHY they’re having sex with you means more than when you have sex. If both people are on the same page emotionally and mentally, if both are clear about where they stand with each other AND if both are clear about what sex means to them and the relationship / potential relationship then have sex whenever.

This isn’t a carte blanche by any stretch, but you really need to make smart choices about your sexual behavior when dating. We’ve all made mistakes but what’s important is that you’ve learned what works and doesn’t work for you. You need to protect yourself and remember that safe sex is physically safe, mentally safe and emotionally safe. Most people forget the last two and just because they protect their bodies they think they’re safe but then they get hurt. That’s why I say casual sex is all fun and games until someone gets a broken heart (which happens more often than not).

Sex and Dating – Getting The Timing Right

So you’ve met someone that totally floats your boat and makes your special parts tingle? Here are some questions to ask yourself before taking the big plunge into ecstasy:

  • What is your attitude towards sex? Are you cool with casual sex or are you more traditional? How would you feel if you had sex with them and then they disappeared into a black hole never to be heard from again? If they “hit it and quit it” how would that make you feel?
  • What is your sex and dating history? Do you tend to approach sex as a free for all or are you more reserved? Do you tend to be more impulsive and then regret your actions later? Does loneliness and the need for intimacy cloud your judgement when dating?
  • What are your intentions towards the person you’re on a date with? Do you really want to get to know them more? Are you looking for a serious long term relationship? Are you just looking for hanging out / casual dating?
  • What is your emotional / mental state? Do you have baggage you haven’t dealt with? Are you on the rebound? Are you lonely and craving intimacy with someone?
  • Are they clear about their intentions towards you? While there are no guarantees in life, are you both headed on the same path in the same direction? Be wary of someone promising too much too soon and telling you everything you want to hear.

While everyone is different, depending on where they’re at, I caution people to be very clear with their intentions and to manage their expectations when it comes to sex and dating. Know yourself and what you can handle, know that most people can’t handle a casual sex arrangement with someone and that’s OK, just be honest with yourself and those you date. Remember, this isn’t Sex and the City and you’re NOT Samantha.

A best practice, if you are looking for a serious long term relationship and know you’ll be hurt if they “hit it and quit it”, is to at least wait until you know you’re on the same page before getting intimate. A good way to avoid the temptation is to not have “home” dates until you know you’re ready to have sex. Someone who has good intentions for you will understand and respect that, they will also usually want to wait because they want to get to know you better as well. Never feel pressured to have sex if that’s not where you’re at, especially if you think that will keep someone or make them want you more.

Sex and dating is all about intention – making sure that you’re both on the same page and have the same end goal in mind, whatever that may be, is more relevant than timing. When isn’t what’s important, why is. Be mindful of your actions and protect yourself physically, mentally and emotionally, BUT most of all HAVE FUN because dating can be fun if you date smart.

READERS: What is your approach to sex and dating? What are your best practices and lessons learned? Share your thoughts and wisdom in the comments below!

Think you’re going to be forever alone? I’ve released my new workbook to help you attract the love you desire AND IT’S FREE… if you’re interested in receiving a free copy then click HERE and register your name, tell your friends too because this is a VERY VALUABLE resource! You CAN increase your datability and chances at your very own happily ever after, you just have to choose to get out of your comfort zone and start thinking strategically. I’ll show you how!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

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  1. Oh, I have learnt my lessons, all right! And you are spot on with the need to protect ourselves not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. One can suffer really badly because of it. I was observing my friends deciding to have sex when they were drunk. It was never a good idea. Somehow they thought, it would developed into a serious meaningful relationship, but it never did. Point being, the intention has to be clear not blurry because of the pinacoladas.


  2. I’ve been thinking about intentions a lot lately – how we start with others and how different behaviour can be when our intentions aren’t aligned. I liked your piece about that (and I just wrote my own post partly about that dilemma). Thanks!


  3. I am the poster child of why you shouldn’t do it unless it’s a serious thing. When I was younger I was more open to having casual sex. it was fun at the time but then someone (oddly usually the guy)would fall but I was just in it for the sex. Eventually the casual sex wasn’t so much fun, especially when I got HPV. On the other hand there have been times I slept with a guy with the assumption we were either serious or would be serious. The result in all of these situations was a guy who had no interest in dating me. In fact some of the guys then put me in the fun category while they sought a woman they could marry. Talk about severe hurt thinking you’re an item only to have him tell you he wants someone else. After a string of situations like this I made the vow no sex until at least engagement. Yes it turned off a lot of guys but I refuse to go through that again. The sick thing is when I did online dating I got approached often by married men and couldn’t help but wonder if the guys who used me (but then married others) are using online dating sites and using women like me.


  4. These are good insights. Since I am a total noob in the dating scene (sheltered filipina but has a bold mind) this article is quite helpful for me. 🙂 I’ll look forward on to your next piece.


  5. when I did online dating I got approached often by married men and couldn’t help but wonder if the guys who used me (but then married others) are using online dating sites and using women like me.


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