Most people who are dating are looking for the ideal partner, but why are so many of them having such a hard time? That’s easy to answer. It’s because finding the ideal partner requires selective dating. What is selective dating? Selective dating is being choosy about who you date. It doesn’t mean being picky, it means not compromising on the things that are important to you, it means not compromising on your values and it especially means not compromising on your self-worth. Sounds easy enough, right? Not so much. Especially when loneliness clouds your judgement when dating. You let a lot of important things slide and you settle because you don’t want to be alone anymore. We’ve ALL been there, we’ve ALL done that. But, I’m here to tell you that finding the ideal partner requires selective dating … here’s why.
Finding the Ideal Partner Requires Selective Dating
So what ARE the best traits to look for in a partner? Well, luckily someone has done the thinking for us. I was reading an article from Samantha Joel that stressed the importance of responsiveness in a relationship. What does that mean? Well, the author defined it as “someone who makes you feel understood, validated, and cared for ” because “it’s easier to work out relationship issues, big and small, with a partner who’s more responsive rather than less“.
She goes on to characterize a responsive partner with three important traits: Understanding, Validating, and Caring. Understanding partners are partners that actively listen to you and try to see things from your perspective. They also Validate your point of view making you feel respected and important to them (even when they don’t agree with you). Lastly, a responsive partner is Caring – they are concerned for your well-being, communicate with you and express affection. These traits make you feel like you truly are partners and that you can count on that person to be there when you need them. They also ensure that you will always resolve disagreements with ease.
What does that have to do with dating? Well, happily ever after and forever has everything to do with your choice in partner. When you choose right, you typically end up in a better place. That’s true for everything in your life. It’s all about quality. Problem is that we’re too anxious to please other people and lose sight of the true end goal. We compromise our ideals and what we are looking for. We tend to forget what really makes us happy. What’s the solution? You need to practice selective dating which means:
- being happily single
- enjoying the process and forgetting the outcome
- being aware of red flags
- listening to your gut instincts about someone
- being true to you
So there you have it. Finding the ideal partner requires selective dating, no really, it does. It also requires discernment.
Selective Dating Through Discernment
Discernment is the ability to judge things in your life. It’s done through experience and most certainly using your gut instincts. You know that feeling you have that something just isn’t right? That’s your discernment kicking in. It usually takes some reflection and paying attention. It’s not merely perception, it’s more, something deeper. It’s an awareness of what is authentic and what isn’t. You know what I’m talking about. You’ve been there, done that. Selective dating through discernment is using this judgment to weed out the losers from the winners. Trust it and if someone doesn’t add up then show them the door. You deserve someone who is understanding, validating and caring. Someone who feels right, respects you and someone you can trust. Imagine that! Sound too good to be true? Well, it’s not, it should be the bare minimum that you accept. Everyone deserves an ideal partner. Plain. Simple.
READERS: Do you date selectively? What discernment do you undertake when meeting someone new? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Your Sister in Dating Bliss,
Single Dating Diva
I think finding the ideal partner means relaxing. it means not going after it too hard or too heavy, not getting obsessed or consumed. yes, be happily single. be open. relax and BOOM, good things happen.
Exactly! Enjoy the process and don’t worry about the outcome. Thanks for your comment.
Interesting post Suzie.
I think a lot of men and women go wrong by dating selectively with superficial attributes. I’ve seen online dating profiles stating the likes of ‘don’t message if you’re under 6’0″‘ for example. That sort of superficiality probably hinders people in the long run.
I agree on your points about about setting strong boundaries for yourself and not to fear being lonely.
In fact, I’d say these are two of the core messages that your posts deliver again and again.
Thanks for the post. Sharing on twitter right now!
Thanks for your comment. What I am clearly referring to is not superficial attributes but being selective about your main values and what’s important to you, not compromising on your self worth. Superficial things are being picky, values based selection is not. Thanks for the shares!
I think there is a difference between superficial and selective dating. The problem becomes what one is which? For example I always get called names for not dating dads including superficial but it’s for many reasons. To me a lifestyle is different than superficial but one could say something like obesity could be superficial or selective. I think the most important thing is not to bend on something important no matter how desperate.
Thanks Dawn. Superficial dating IS different than selective dating. Your choice to not date dads isn’t based on superficiality, it’s something that’s important to you for reasons that are important to you.
Exactly, though people confuse them,
I’ve found ever since creating and sticking to my dating rules (which are posted on my blog) I had fewer interactions (my choice) but with much better matches for me.
That’s a very wise thing. I had standards but when I first did online I didn’t want to say them for fear of offending. I then added them and it cut down responses but screened out men which was good.
Ah – to clarify: my rules are in a blog post.
Some of them were in my dating profiles (don’t be married, lol) but not all!
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Speaking of married I actually had people tell me I was too picky about that and open my dating to married men. That was bizarre because I see nothing positive about dating a married man. I’m not just looking for sex.
I only talked to a married guy once and that was because I forgot he’d told me he was married (it’s when I was interacting with far too many men!)
There is no upside and so I don’t even bother engaging. It would be terrible to fall in love with someone who can’t be yours. I’ve experienced it before and have no interest in doing that again.
Yeah it goes nowhere. I can see if the man can’t divorce, like his culture but that doesn’t happen much now.
Thanks Ann. Yes, by being selective your pool of candidates becomes much smaller but in the end you win by having the right partner and not just any partner.
Exactly. I do find some people get addicted to the volume of responses or interactions – so you’ve got to be in a place where you’re ready to have quality over quantity.
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Absolutely. I learned to date more selectively after some painful breakups and regrets.
That is how I ended up happily married.
Thanks for sharing your experience Bernadette. It really is about finding the RIGHT partner for us and that takes being selective. Thanks again.
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