We’ve all done it. Looked at a couple, perhaps someone we’ve dated or wanted to date, perhaps an old nemesis, and we thought “why them?” We wonder why they chose THEM and not us … what did they see in them? What do they have and not me? What makes them so special? What did I do wrong? You know that those thoughts have crossed your mind at some point. I know they have mine. It’s not always a jealousy thing (although it often is), it’s a curiosity and a “things that make you go hmm” moment. I have definitely felt the sting of being overlooked or even dumped for someone else or even cheated on, but to be fair I’ve also been the one who was chosen over someone else. So why do people choose some people and not others? Why them?? Why not me??

Did You Ever Wonder “Why Them and Not Me?”

We all admit we wonder why we weren’t chosen. It might seem to us like they “traded down” or “traded up”, that we were the better option, hey I’ve been there, I get it, but perhaps we’re going about it all wrong. I mean, think about it, as much as you feel that you’ve been rejected, you have also rejected people too. Realistically speaking, we should be happy for them and gracious about not being chosen, but who are we kidding here, rejection sucks!

So what’s this really about? This really is about the sting of being rejected by someone you liked (even just a little), and perhaps, a little entitlement and ego thrown in for good measure. We want people to choose and want us, even if we don’t really want them all that much. Hey, it feels good, right? It’s hard enough to meet people we actually like these days, that when you do meet them and you’re rejected, it feels like perhaps you’re not worthy or that there’s something wrong with you. But you shouldn’t feel that way.

Reality is that we all need to “feel it” when we are with someone. It has to just fit. It might not be who we imagined we’d be with but it just fits. It works. You just know. Things just flow in the right direction and you’re both on the same path. There’s no use forcing yourself (or them) on a path that just isn’t the right one. It may seem like a perfect match but if it is a perfect match it will just work. It really is that simple.

We tend to over-complicate things and fall into the “Romeo & Juliet” trap. We think that drama and challenges are OK and that it brings passion. Sure it’s normal to have it sometimes but not on the regular. A good relationship should just flow without you even thinking about it too much. So if you (or they) didn’t feel it in the right way then it’s just not going to happen, regardless of how perfect you think you’re for each other. I got caught in that trap more often than I’d like to admit, but I finally learned my lesson and stopped chasing unending drama and what I thought were rainbows and unicorns.

The Solution

A dating best practice is to stop resenting others’ happiness and just focus on creating your own. You don’t have to send them flowers but don’t think too much on it. When you spend too much time worrying about others, your life will pass you by and before you know it you’ve missed countless opportunities for your own happiness. Now why would you do that? You deserve happiness as much as anyone. But your happiness begins with you and the love choices you make.

Stop looking back and focus on your own journey forward. Here’s how:

1. Be grateful for your journey and every experience that you’ve had.
2. Learn from every experience and don’t repeat mistakes.
3. Make sure that you’re dating competitively and that your personal branding/marketing is on point.
4. Manage your expectations when it comes to everyone you’re dating.
5. Enjoy the process and don’t focus on the outcome.
6. Take your time, slow and steady wins the race when dating.
7. Don’t waste your time in dead-end and “it’s complicated” dating situations.
8. Make good dating choices (focus on shared values and not having a long laundry list).
9. Check your “biological clock” and desperation at the door.
10. Be happily single.

Your dating success is in your own hands. The dating environment is hard enough these days that you don’t want to make it even more difficult. So the answer to the question “why them?” is that they ignited something within the other person that you didn’t. They just “felt it”. Harsh reality but it’s a reality nonetheless. Love doesn’t always make sense but it really is that simple. So go forth and keep trying over and over again until you find someone you actually do click with and ignite the fire within yourself AND them!  

READERS: Did you ever wonder “why them and not me”? Share your thoughts & perspective in the comments below!

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

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