Single Dating Diva

It seems everywhere you turn you find what to do or not to do when dating. There are ten rules to follow for this and that. But who writes these and who’s right? I’m even guilty of writing my own lists and advice. Am I an expert? Not really, but I take what I’ve learned along the way and pass on my experience. Do experts exist? I don’t think so. No PhD in anything is going to give a person the full picture of human interaction, particularly in dating. I think each person is different and what works for one might not work for another. A person, I believe, is a product of their environment. They react to certain situations certain ways because of who they are and their experiences. Advice, however, is always valid. You just need to take it and apply it to your life and situation remembering that each situation is different, has different variables, and includes different people who bring their own experiences with them.

When reflecting on my dating experiences, I sometimes wonder if I am doing something wrong. Am I setting myself up for failure before I even begin? I think dating is 90% attitude and 10% luck. I’ve said before, if you think positive, you will attract positive. I’ve tried this approach, but why do I always end up on the losing end? Perhaps, it’s not a loss if it doesn’t work out with the wrong person. It’s still difficult. I wonder if the approach I’m taking is all wrong, perhaps those I choose to date are the wrong ones for me. I mean, I have a pretty bad track record of men I want to be with. My ex husband for example … but then again, I totally settled for him! I just believe in being true to myself and not settling for someone who isn’t the type I want. I am very confident that there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone needs to be true to themselves or else they won’t be happy. That’s one piece of advice that you should follow!

So what dating rules do I truly believe in? Well here are a few … hope they are helpful!

• Be true to yourself.
• Use your judgement and gut instinct. It will never steer you wrong … if something doesn’t feel right, trust your feeling!
• Don’t settle for anything less than you want just because you don’t want to be alone.
• Always look your best; you never know who you might run into (even at the gym!)
• Never go to someone’s house on the first few dates. Always meet in public. When you’re alone you might be tempted to do something you shouldn’t.
• First dates should always be casual and be for a coffee or a drink. Nothing extravagant or expensive.
• If you liked the person and want to see them again, send them a text/email the next day thanking them for a nice date and telling them you look forward to seeing them again.
• If someone doesn’t contact you back, don’t chase them. If someone really wants you they will contact you. Plain and simple.
• Be aware of all the baggage you bring into a relationship and if it affects you and your decisions in any way.
• Have fun and think positive. Just focus on what is good and not the negative. Not every date will work out, the important thing is to dust yourself off and keep trying. Don’t ever give up.
• Don’t play the psycho card. Don’t call someone ten times a day and bug them while they are at work. Don’t give them a reason to cut you off. Playing it cool will always be better; it also helps you be calm about everything.
• Surround yourself with happy, positive people. Friends and family are your best source of support and fill up your schedule so you don’t obsess about dating and why your date isn’t calling back. Until you’re in an actual relationship, they shouldn’t be your priority.

Here’s hoping we all find the love of our lives and they are emotionally and physically available to start their lives with us. May you all have happy and positive dating experiences. 

Stirring the Dating Sauce,

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Originally Published on The Dating Sauce

We all know what a “player” is and have all certainly encountered them throughout our life. Some of us even come from a family of players so have been surrounded by it their whole life. Essentially, a player is a man or woman who enters into “liaisons” with several different people at the same time but commits to none. This person will usually make each person think they are important to them and exclusive when in reality this isn’t true. These people typically have a personality you can trust … or they say what you want to hear in order to get what they want. I’ve been there several times. However, I’m usually really good at deciphering the truth from the lies. But I have found recently that it’s much harder to do so. The players have changed … the game is different … or is it that players in their 30’s/40’s play a different type of game which they have perfected over the years? Perhaps.

Those who follow my blog will know I got caught in one of these situations recently, see “Y Did I Bother?”. I totally didn’t take him for a player, but he was. Generally I don’t get played, or let them think they are playing me, but I can always figure out the game. So what has changed? I have been pondering that idea recently. When you think “player” you always think of this smooth talking, well dressed person who has every great line in the book. He knows what to say just to get what he wants. You can usually see right through them. Now, players are rarely like that. Players will act like any normal person out there. They speak about normal things – their life, their family, even their insecurities. They do their best to make you think they are genuinely interested. They don’t make any “moves” early on. They really work hard to establish trust. They need you to believe in their sincerity. They act like any normal person would that is interested in dating you.

I am honestly finding it quite hard to distinguish the player from the guy who is genuinely interested in dating. I have said before that I enjoy a good game with a good player … but one who you know is a player and all the cards are on the table. It can be fun. But I am having difficulty with these players who act like they are not. How do you make a distinction between them? I need to be more observant I think. I also need to stop my wishful thinking and trust no one, which is unfortunate. Some men and women you know not to trust any word that comes out of their mouth, it’s not those you have to worry about. You have to worry about those playing a great acting game of deception … and the Oscar goes to …

Stirring the Dating Sauce,

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Originally Published on The Dating Sauce

in de pend ent

1. not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc;

2. not subject to another’s authority or jurisdiction; autonomous; free.

3. not influenced by the thought or action of others;

4. not dependent;

5. not relying on another or others for aid or support.

These all sound like great things … governing yourself without worrying about anyone else. Does a relationship, however, remove all autonomy? Yes, and No. It depends on the relationship and it depends on your partner. Some people are more needy than others while some are completely self-sufficient. Having a partner, in my opinion, should enhance your life, not make it worse. This includes your independence. Your partner shouldn’t take anything away from you or control you or your life. A relationship should be collaborative … a partnership. Should be. Not always the case. So when faced with the ending of a relationship, we are left to live independently, like it or not.

In my case, although I am quite autonomous and independent, I found it quite challenging to make the switch. I had never been out on my own before getting married. I went from my parents’ home to my marriage home. After my separation, I was determined to make it without anyone’s help. I knew I could afford it (although it would be tight), but I wanted to do it single-handedly (because that’s just how I am). It was tough, I won’t lie. Learning all about mortgage payments and house bills was my biggest challenge. But I did it. Now over a year later, I’m doing great. But it was my strong will and determination that helped me succeed. There was no way I was going to lose. I was going to come out on top no matter what. This got me thinking, after the end of a relationship, it’s very important to take care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually but financially as well.

We are often so determined to focus on the “poor me” but what better way to get out of that rut than to actually go out there and prove to yourself and the world that, no, it isn’t “poor me” … it’s “look what I can do without anyone’s help”. Let me tell you, it is the best feeling in the world to not need anyone to dig you out of a hole you created for yourself. Get out those claws and climb out … you can do it. I did it. So can you. I could have sat at home and wallowed in self pity and dug myself deeper in the hole of despair and financial woe, but I didn’t. I toughed it out and clawed my way out of the hole. I am very proud of myself and my family and friends are proud of me too. What better thing could you ask for? Now go out there and claw baby, claw!!!!

Stirring the Dating Sauce,

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Originally Published on The Dating Sauce

We all have emotional baggage we carry around from previous relationship – whether we admit it or not. What is emotional baggage, basically it’s any unpleasant memories, mistrust and hurt previous relationships have forced upon us. Some relationships we leave neutral, or happy, others leave a lasting impression like a swift kick in the ass. Do I have emotional baggage? Hell yes! Very unpleasant emotional baggage stemming from my divorce mainly, but other failed relationships have left an unpleasant taste in my mouth as well. They all weigh heavily on me and without a doubt affect my ability to function properly in other relationships. Over time I have most certainly shed a lot of the baggage I have, but I do keep some hanging on, more as protection than anything else. Think about some of the baggage you have, are they essential or just a protection mechanism to hold on to? I had to do some reflecting on my own in order to shed some emotional weight.

Is emotional baggage healthy? I think so. It’s our way of dealing with what happened to us. Let me explain. The baggage we take with us teaches us about what could potentially happen to us and how we got hurt, so we don’t get into those sorts of situations again. It’s normal and completely healthy. What isn’t normal is holding on to it longer than you need it. The baggage serves to assist us in healing, not to encourage distrust and pushing people away. That isn’t healthy. How to do you shed it without losing your dignity? Well, you need to take from it what you need to learn and throw it away. For example, my baggage from my marriage that I recently threw away was that I cannot trust men because they act one way when they are wooing you and when they have you act a different way. Perhaps that is true, but it’s no reason to reject someone because they are being nice, which is what I was doing. So I held on to the “be vigilant” garment and shed the luggage. I admit, I still hold onto the “I won’t settle” luggage, but that one will stay with me for a very long time … it’s kind of like a permanent attachment!

One final thought … everyone has baggage, don’t let them convince you otherwise, but when you meet a potential partner make sure your set of baggage matches their set of baggage or else you will be stuck in a big emotional baggage fashion faux pas! And I won’t have any of that!

Stirring the Dating Sauce,

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Originally Published on The Dating Sauce

Is one the loneliest number? So I was listening to the song “One” by Three Dog Night from the 1970’s (yes you know me and the 70’s). If you aren’t familiar with it, the lyrics go like this:

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It’s the loneliest number since the number one
No is the saddest experience you’ll ever know
Yes, it’s the saddest experience you’ll ever know
`Cause one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
One is the loneliest number, worse than two

Something struck me. Yes, one is the loneliest number, it’s pretty obvious. However, next line: two can be as bad as one and the loneliest number since the number one. Ok, no I’m not smoking anything. But it did get me thinking. One is lonely, but how bad is it to be lonely even when you’re two? That’s how it was in my marriage and how it is in many people’s relationships. Imagine being with someone but feeling so alone and so trapped. Imagine feeling guilty for leaving them behind to go spend time with others in order to not be lonely. That was one of the main problems in our marriage. I am extremely extroverted, he is extremely introverted. Not a good match. Why did I marry him? If I knew then, what I know now, I wouldn’t have. Well, you live and you learn, right? So that was my dilemma, I had to adapt my life to his needs while slowly dying inside. So one is lonely, but two can be much much worse.

The song goes on: one is the loneliest number, worse than two. So is it worse to be alone without anyone or with someone and alone? At least you have a body there to keep you warm. Or do you? What’s the point of having a less than ideal partner for the sole purpose of not being alone? You have needs – physical, social, emotional, mental … are they being met? If your partner isn’t meeting them then it’s better to be alone. Even at my most lonely I never regretted ending my marriage. Sometimes I am very lonely and wish I had someone in my life. Especially at night, sleeping alone … but then I remember the not so good times and appreciate the alone time. It’s hard. I won’t pretend it’s not. But as hard as it gets, it was still worth it. Besides, I have a very large group of loving family and friends who are there at the drop of a hat if I really need them. That is worth more than anything to me.

Maybe I’m over thinking it. But I think that it’s worse to be alone and lonely while in a relationship than just being alone and lonely on your own. I am alone, sometimes lonely, but it’s by choice. I can always just pick up the telephone and meet up with a friend or family member. I am never truly alone. When I was in my marriage, I did feel alone. I felt trapped. I felt I wasn’t free to just reach out to anyone. So is one the loneliest number? No, it’s not. I plan on enjoying my alone time … you never know, I might not get this chance again!

Stirring the Dating Sauce,

Your Sister in Dating Bliss,

Single Dating Diva

Originally Published on The Dating Sauce